It was Sunday, July 30th. By then, Peanut had been in the hospital for 4 nights. I hated leaving him there, because unlike the first hospitalization, he was whining and crying when he saw us. He was wanting us to hold up so badly, but we weren't able to due to him being in the oxygen cage. Fortunately, we were at least able to open the little access door and reach in to pet him. His respiratory rate never improved enough to where he was out of oxygen for more than 15 minutes.
By the 3rd day of him being in the hospital, I was trying my best to space out my calls for an update. I had gotten some hopeful news on Saturday around 2:30 PM when they told me that they were going to try to get him out of oxygen within the next couple minutes. I made the decision not to stop by and visit him at that moment because I didn't want him to get excited or distressed from seeing me. I called around 5:30 PM and they had told me that he was out for 5 minutes and they had to put him back on oxygen because he started to turn blue.
During the last couple hours of his life, I had my brother and my husband with me. I held him for the longest time and he seemed to be doing okay. We asked the vet hospital to let us be in the room along with him. At one point he seemed stable enough so I asked if we could bring him home so that he can be comfortable for a little bit before we brought him back to be put to sleep. The vet okayed my request, but then I think he just got hot because the room was stuffy and he started panting. That did not help the fact that his respiratory rate was already abnormal. Around 10:14 PM that night, my Peanut was gone.
We laid him on his bed and he was looking right at me. As his eyes start to slowly close, I knew that I was losing him. He lays his head down and his body just stops moving, he is no longer breathing. The vet administers the last medication and checks his heart. My baby is no longer here with me. I brought him home on June 3, 2003. I will remember this day always. This day is the day that my son, my best friend, entered my life. I was grateful for the past 14 years that I had with him. He was so, so loved and spoiled. I sometimes feel guilty because during the time that I lived in CA, I neglected him and went out a lot. I was a very selfish person and I felt very guilty about that after he had gotten sick. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can't. I just hope he knows how much I love him. I think of him ad talk to him everyday. Some days are harder than others, but it does get easier. I never really knew what this would be like because I hadn't gone through it before. I feel more at peace knowing that he is right here with me.
The weekend after his passing, I went to New Orleans for my sister in law's wedding. The room number we were given at the hotel was 424. I knew that Peanut was with me, because that was his birthday. That evening, I also got a call that his ashes were back at the hospital. When I got back into town on Sunday, we went to pick him up. The vet tech that was with us the night he passed gave me a big hug, just as she did the night we lost him. I hope Peanut was happy. I hope he lived a happy life. I miss him so much. I still cry for him every now and then, a little less as the days go by. My other dogs didn't really notice that he was gone, and that makes me sad. When he was in the hospital the first time, Butter knew and was sad, but since Peanut went to heaven, it's like they hadn't noticed.
I set up this beautifully decorated wall for Peanut, and I light a candle for him every night. It's my way of letting him know that I still think of him everyday. Sometimes when I wake up or come home from work, I talk to him like he's still here. I touch his urn as if if I'm putting my hand on his back. I miss you, my son. I love you very, very much.
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